A Beautiful Mess

Hate Mondays? Try unemployment. — Unknown

One of the tougher things in life to deal with is knowing when a season has expired; rather it be relationship or job. In late October, my company offered eligible employees the opportunity to voluntarily leave the business as part of a saving initiative. On the surface it looked like a no brainier because it was a one in a lifetime opportunity. Yet, to date this has been one of the toughest decisions I’ve made professional. My relationship with my job was much like an unhappy marriage where you stay thinking it will somehow get better. I knew that professional it was time for me to exit the company but I also had hope that things would change. Don’t get me wrong, I had some great times at the company and grew tremendously. I was able to gain a great deal of knowledge and contribute to the community in many ways with the company.

Despite the growth, I knew I needed more professional. I reevaluated my goals and the trajectory of my current position was not aligned with them. All the signs pointed in the direction of leaving but I was still fearful of the unknown or the what ifs of my decision. Ultimately, I prayed over it and asked for clarity about the decision.

The funny thing about prayer is that sometimes the answer is not what we fully expect. Although I prayed for clarity, I was preparing myself to tough it out and hopefully transition to a new role in the near future. But the clarity came with a simple question, “Was this the precedent I was going to set for my life?” Allowing my fears to paralyze me to the point that I’d choose to stay in an expired season. So I took the leap and volunteered to separate from the company despite all the uncertainty that came along with it.

For those who know me, this was hard because I do not fair well with too much uncertainty. The decision was so heavy and I didn’t realize I was not handling the anxiety of it. I was not sleeping but I blamed it on tiredness from being busy with outside things. Hindsight, I was no busier than previous months. My anxiety snowball as the deadline to rescind the decision approached. I literally had an emotional breakdown in front of my manager. I’m talking full on ugly snot crying. I knew that there was no going back after the rescind date and I would be forced to confront my fears.

I am a private person by nature and I try to figure things out on my own. However, I knew that the support of my circle would be needed and welcomed. So I shared my decision and plan with those that I knew would encourage, give me advice, and be a listening ear. I am grateful to have a circle of people that will uplift and encourage when I am feeling uncertain about my future.

I have faith that my taking a side step to propel forward was the best decision for my future. Although, I am not comfortable in the uncertainty I am grateful that I took the leap. I am not allowing my fear to limit or stop me from achieving. I’m ready for a FEARLESS 2019!

Table for one, but drinks for two! — Someone Single

Look, whoever said that being single doesn’t mean you aren’t lonely is a liar. Well… not a complete liar, but I digress. You can ABSOLUTELY live a vibrant and full single life until you find that life partner (which I strongly encourage). However, let’s not paint singleness like they do in the movies as a carefree utopia. There are many realities in dating and even more realities when dating as a single parent.

I watched an interview on The Breakfast Club  with Jennifer Lewis where she spoke about dealing with mental illness and a bunch of other stuff. It was a great interview by the way. You should definitely check it out! One of the biggest takeaways I got from that interview was that we as people don’t allow ourselves to feel our emotions. I’m not saying sit in it too long. After all we are adults (please go to counseling).  Howbeit, you have to allow yourself to feel the emotions of what you are going through. It’s okay to give yourself the space to feel sad or disappointed just as much as you give yourself the space to be happy.  The interview also lead me to be transparent in sharing my journey of singleness.

I was in a toxic relationship previously and I needed to heal. I had to figure out some things within myself without the pressure of dating. I worked hard to get to the point where I was comfortable with myself and being single. Ya girl went to counseling *two snaps and around the world*. I got to the point where I could say, “Okay, Christina you’ve moved passed that stage. You’re ready to go girl. You’d rather be single than to settle. Let’s do this.” That sounds good, right? It is but I would be remiss not to paint reflect singleness as the reality it can be at times: Some days I am living my best life of no stress, unbothered, dance to the beat of my own drum that my little heart can handle. Some days it is “I am tired of sitting on my friend’s couch. Where is BAE?! I enjoy hoodie season too.”

When I would have those moments, I would beat myself up because I thought I was undoing all the progress I’ve made to get comfortable with myself. This is why Jennifer’s interview resonated so much with me. I was not giving myself the space to feel the nuance of singleness. It is completely okay to have a lonely day or even moment as a single me. I just can’t sit in it. It does not make me weak or less comfortable with myself as a person. And luckily I have supportive friends that will call me out on it and tell me to keep it pushing. Regardless of what moment or phrase I am in my journey, I do things to constantly remind myself of my value. I’m just working on being the kind of person I would date.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Ready… Set… Go…. I am very much the friend that if you tell me your ideas I go on a mission to make it even better or take it to the next level. I will cheer you on and push you to no end. I’ll tell you put all those “noes” in your bag of “noes” and keep pushing. It’s the power of numbers, you will eventually get to a yes. It’s safe to say that I a supportive friend. I can be all this for my friends but I sit on the sideline for myself.  How many of us do that? We downplay the talents, gifts, or abilities we have because we don’t want to take the leap. We watch and even encourage others to take that leap but still sit on the sideline.

Sooooo for my birthday I decided to take a leap and run my first 5K. Running had never appealed to me at all. ZERO PERCENT. Seriously, why do runners look so happy all the time? Initially, I started this for my 28th birthday but life happened. I guess the joy of goal setting is that you can reevaluate it at any time. I reset and was determined to make it happen for year 29. I was so intimidated by running that I refused to sign up for a running program. Sounds crazy I know. Plus, my inner Frugal Fran spoke up and agreed that a running app would do. With this goal I didn’t want to look like runner. You know, buy all the gear and let it collect dust. I made certain milestones and then rewarded myself with a purchase of needed items.

I told key people in my life so that they could hold me accountable for my training program. I had to apply the discipline that I have in other aspects of my life to this goal. The downside of using a running app is that you really have to push yourself.  Everything is on you. This was a challenge for me because like most people I have a million things going on. Make sure dinner is cooked, is my son reading 20 minutes a night, this meeting, that meeting. I mean really it can go on and on if I allowed it. I just took a step back and prioritized this goal for myself.

Secretly, the race morphed into more than just training to run. I was proving to myself to stop sitting on the sidelines. Stop over thinking everything and just do it (no pun intended). I was so nervous leading up to the day of the race. I questioned everything and thought of all the extremes that could happen. I took on the attitude of defeat before I even ran.  Did I run enough? Maybe, maybe no. Did I drink enough water? Well I hope so. What if I walk the entire time? So what. I set a goal and I accomplished it. Cheers to 29!! Thanks for joining me!